When I came out here to California, I didn't know what I was getting myself into… I was looking into the unknown, feeling into it, with a knowingness. I knew I should be here. And going into all of the circumstances with a wide heart, wide eyes, and an aching body… I felt weary, but comforted by my vision. I had randomly met a girl before coming to California, who agreed to take the trip over with me. She was protective, she was supportive, but she had not quite the vision I had imagined. On the road there were many points where I was in danger. I had CDs and money stolen in Memphis by a man who said he wanted to promote my music on the streets. I had luggage broken into in Albuquerque, I was punched in the eye by a man in Tennessee, and experienced constant throat ache from all of the smoky houses we visited on the way. The road- it can transform, devour, or even mutilate the psyche of the person traveling. Nonetheless, it was a great experience. So many new listeners we're found on the road. All of my CDs were sold. Many new friendships developed over the country, and most of all a couple of love interests bloomed. They sparked joy in my heart.
When we settled in California, I saw her change… And after episodes of having money taken from me, finding poison in my food, and having my room broken into, I realized that I did not know who my friends were. I felt alone.
As I settled in California, fate started to unravel me. Auditions, opportunities for acting, and new friendships emerged out of a joint love for "play."
I found a guest house to live in, with a landlord who was creative, joyful, and most of all generous with me. It was a safe haven, and still, my vision and my calling was clear. I had gotten an opportunity to work with the haunted hayride, and had been traveling with the Great Horror Campout over the summer. It was a promising opportunity, a sense of security, and away to meet dedicated creatives.
It was time to leave the guesthouse as the window of occupancy had closed. A talented musician let me rent a room in his house. Initially he promised to work with me on my music and help me develop as an artist, and his heart was in the right place. But after two weeks of living with him, he told me he wanted more than friendship. There was a loneliness growing in me, a festering energy. It was as if all of the energy pouring out through my fingertips and toes had scurried up into my heart and I had no ground left. At many points I felt I could be vulnerable with him, tell him my fears, and talk about the trauma I had experienced on the road. But it was at these points where he would offer judgment, negativity, and ,worst of all, he exuded an essence of abandonment. We never really worked on my music. The most I did was lay down a guitar track that I already had on my CD.
It's time to move again, as my mission in California is not yet complete. I'm just beginning my journey. I'll be back in New York for two weeks in November to revisit family and friends and rekindle the love I have for brutally honest and open hearted fellow New Yorkers. In December, I will be journeying back to search for steady work, a safe and beautiful home, and the musical soul friends who were meant to guide me here. I know they are here and my knowingness and faith are starting to revive again.
For now I am going to refresh my energy, ground myself, and reconnect with my life path. It's as if loneliness took hold of the wheel for a moment, and I steered off route, examining passing cows and blades of grass... When in reality, I needed to keep my eyes on the road. I am taking hold of the wheel again and loneliness is taking a back seat. Life is a journey. My path is clear, I just have to keep my eyes peeled to it. To be continued...
